The Five C's of Love
Cultivating Intimacy and Connection in Your Relationships.
“It feels impossible to date as you get older or even find someone who actually wants something real — like you and John, you two really got lucky marrying young. You guys have, like, the perfect marriage, in my eyes,” he said with a slightly insecure laugh.
I’m out to brunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in some time, and naturally, as we moved toward the topics of relationships and sex — as most of my conversations do — he mentions that dating in his 30s feels impossible and even less desirable, considering the types of people he’s been matching with. He makes comparisons to my relationship and shares that he feels like my husband and I have the “perfect marriage,” to which I reply with an amused chuckle and an eye-roll, albeit feeling a bit guilty and sad at the confession. Sad that he has been struggling to connect with someone, sad that, because of this, he doesn’t really see himself ever having a committed romantic relationship — different from not desiring that out of self-actualization. Guilty that I am beautifully inside of one, and guilty that what he sees as “perfection” is actually all the years of effort to understand each other when we really didn’t know if we could, and tears over things we didn’t know if we’d recover from, and incredibly vulnerable discussions that lasted months, and countless moments of effort, love, laughs, adventures, lulls, struggles, acceptance, trying, growing, learning, hurting, supporting, and trusting. What he sees as the “perfect” relationship with supportive circumstances is simply partnership.
A partnership that prioritizes the vitality of the connection, the wholeness of each other individually, and the conscious choice to show up curiously, communicate often, consider daily, maintain safety, and create the relationship that is desirable for us. The guilt I harbor around this lies in feeling like it’s my responsibility to let people see these sides of my marriage with John so that they feel less alone in the way they show up inside of relationships and maybe help them navigate through a similar lens of experience rather than seeing a highlight reel through rose-colored glasses. So, if the opinion of someone who has known John and me from the beginning is that of “perfection,” then I have not done my duty — as a friend, or an educator.
A Stroll Down Memory Lane
I met my husband right before the boom of specific or largely acceptable social apps for connecting romantically. Ours was a meeting through mutual friends, and we had a rougher, yet serendipitous start. We were young, in love, and thankfully, we were really intentional about our relationship — we didn’t even choose to define it until we got engaged. Not that there is anything wrong with defining a relationship with a label. If you like it, I love it. We didn’t get everything right, we fucked up often, we tried our best to be our best, and we fell short. We had really dramatic movie moments where we professed our love for each other under the streetlights, and all the ways that we were scared to let ourselves fall, and really romantic moments of reminding each other how we’d be there to catch one another when we inevitably would. We vowed to create the softest, safest, most spacious blanket of love to hold each other in forever and ever and ever. Thinking back to those moments, they were actually incredibly messy and even less articulate than I described, and still, the intention and sentiments remain the same after all this time.
Never Underestimate the Power of Slow and Steady
In a starving attention economy, where endless options are dangled in front of us, it’s easier than ever to “thank you, next” anyone who doesn’t check every surface-level box of attraction for us. Or who we don’t deem a match because of our Venus sign incompatibility — and this is coming from an esoteric science and woo-woo enthusiast. This swipe culture is mercilessly killing our basic human desire… connection. We have no patience for authenticity or longevity when our attention is being overridden with better, hotter, smarter, funnier, hornier — the grass is greener on someone else’s lawn because they’re watering it. Take note, don’t trample their yard.
Instead of spending your time nitpicking every single “beige flag” or letting FOMO run your life, choose to see the humanity in people. Give yourself the opportunity to connect and foster intimacy. Slow down. Be present. Make the time to get to know each other, while also getting to know yourself. It’s a nourishing option to take the time to unearth your fears and lean into your desires alongside someone. To talk, to share, to listen, to try and understand, to learn to show up with compassion and care even when you don’t understand. If you want lasting love, if you desire partnership, then you must make time to grow into the relationship and prioritize a connection that feels the most authentic for your life, not just for the night.
Please be advised the material in this article is to be consumed as entertainment, inspiration and education by consenting people. Consent is an agreement between willing participants to engage in any physical or non-physical activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. This information may not pertain to every relationship dynamic. Discretion is advised.
Experience Is Life’s Mentor
As forever students of this beautifully messy thing called “life,” we will undoubtedly learn many of our lessons through experience, through trial and error. If you’re anything like me, regret and you don’t vibe well, and you typically want to know for certain if something is for you — or not. The best way to figure that out? Try it on for size. Now this is definitely a discernment-type statement, so use your better judgment and go through your own system of decision-making when it comes to this method.
Over the years of experience loving my husband and building a life with him, and being the professional confidant for more than a few relationships, the desire at the core of coupledom, I’ve found, is whole and authentic intimacy. A closeness that feels both exciting and nourishing. A connection that remains both solid and inspiring. A partnership where both are seen, accepted, validated, challenged, honored, and celebrated for who we are, where we can be fully alive and safely in love.
I’ve had my partnership and countless others to thank for being able to sit inside of a relationship with a lot of patience and curiosity. Always desiring to know how to love my partner better and help others do the same. Here’s what I’ve learned about cultivating intimacy and connection, no matter what stage of relationship, length of time you’ve been together, or even the current state of your partnership. I call them The Five C’s of Love.
THE 5 C’s
Curiosity in relationship is remaining actively interested and inquisitive about your partner and the partnership. It’s remaining eager to know or learn something new, even as time blesses your connection. It’s often the lack of curiosity that forces the relationship into monotony. How many times have you felt like your relationship has gotten stale? How many times have you asked your partner more about their sexual desires after 3+ years together? How many times have you half-listened while they tell you about their current interest? There is always an unexplored crevasse of your person to unearth because, as people, we are meant to evolve and grow. Leaning into who your partner is presently invites the partnership into a state of flow and adventure. It’s an invitation into personal exploration as much as it is for the relationship. Being curious about your person is being active in loving them.
Communication in a relationship is listening, receiving, and sharing. It’s not nodding your head while you rehearse your response. It’s being present in dialogue. It’s really hearing what is being said and how your partner feels. It’s not assumption or ego. Communication is lubrication — thank you, Dr. Emily Morse. It’s what turns a toxic fight into a healthy one. It’s what turns your erotic fantasy into bedroom reality. It’s what heals the parts of you that have ever felt shut down, neglected, rejected, dismissed, belittled, and harmed in love. When we communicate with our partner about how it makes us feel when they don’t notice certain things or do certain things, or show up in certain ways, we give them the opportunity to share in our experience without blame, condescension, or assumption, and we invite them into loving us better.
Consideration in relationship is deliberately and carefully thinking about your partner and partnership when making decisions that could impact or affect them — or even if you think it may not. It is taking pause to ask yourself, “How will my person feel about this choice, this action, this decision, this statement, this gift, this — [insert the thing]?” It is maneuvering within your partnership in a way that maintains integrity, respect, compassion, grace, and choice. Consideration is one of the most beautiful forms of love. It’s honoring their agency within your partnership.
Co-regulation in a relationship is helping your partner to regulate by means of emotion, physical, environmental, spiritual, mental, and erotic support and interaction. When your person comes home in a shitty mood and doesn’t greet you with enthusiasm, instead of meeting them with irritation or frustration, meet them with support and care. Yes, you may have had a shitty day too, and the last thing you want to do is feel like your feelings and your day are put on the back burner. That’s valid. What happens when you lean into co-regulation is that you help bring your partner back to homeostasis, and in that state, they can actually have the capacity to do the same for you. When you choose to lean into supportive interaction vs. combative or self-indulging reaction, you create the habit of co-regulating. You build a safe space within your relationship for you and your person to land and be vulnerable, transparent, and human. You become the quiet and the comfort in the midst of chaos. You build home within the connection.
Co-creation in a relationship is a collaborative effort where the aim is to establish, grow, and maintain a mutually desired container of partnership. There is not a one-size-fits-all for coupledom. Every relationship, no matter how similar, is unique. We get to choose how we mate and relate. Partnerships that desire longevity meet that desire through mutual and consistent effort. When people say, “It takes work to make a relationship last,” they are saying that it requires showing up, it requires defining what compromise or sacrifice means for you, it requires sitting with the hard things together, it requires understanding that your person may see and experience life differently than you do, and if you want a life with them, then you choose to love your differences, explore your differences, celebrate your differences rather than let them become your incompatibility. Co-creation is foundational for love. It is an offering to the partnership that you will be teammates, not opponents. It’s togetherness. It’s intimacy. It’s connection.
Just One Married Woman’s Opinion
There’s no rulebook for loving someone. No manual for how to perfectly navigate partnership. There’s only the handbook you co-create. There is only the choice to remain available to growth and connection. Over the years, I’ve done the work to create an inner ecology of trust around how I show up inside of my marriage. It’s the perk of the job, for sure. We’ve been able to put into practice and witness the benefits of The Five C’s — but don’t get me wrong, this journey hasn’t come without its speed bumps and detours and full-on blowouts. I think it’s what makes for a fun ride, anyhow.
My hope for you is to lean in when you want to check out. Talk to your partner, be curious about who they are, consider them daily, help them learn that love is safe, and create the kind of relationship that you’re proud of. Don’t seek perfection; it does not exist. Not in my marriage or in any other — despite how it may seem on the gram. Remember, it’s not luck, age, or the exactly right set of circumstances, or even your astrology synastry. It’s partnership.
TL;DR
My friend told me my marriage is “perfect”— it’s really not. Even if it seems like it on the socials. I feel like it’s my duty to allow people to see all aspects of what marriage is (respectfully and with consideration of John’s feelings and desires for privacy).
I met my husband in 2011, I was 20. It’s been a wild ride.
Don’t let swipe culture ruin your desire for connection.
Slow and steady wins the race — or the relationship. It’s ok to take your time, be present, and grow in love.
Life’s an experience. So let yourself soak up the lessons, the knowledge, and the beauty — and the messy, let’s not forget the messy.
The Five C’s of Love: Curiosity, Communication, Consideration, Co-Regulation & Co-Creation.
Don’t seek perfection; lean into partnership.
A Love Note:
To my friend, if you’re reading this, thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for our friendship. Thank you for always seeing me when I’m in L.A. — even when I wait till the very last minute to reach out. I hope you allow yourself to love. You deserve a connection that makes you feel desired and cared for. Anyone would be lucky to build a life alongside you! — just don’t be so dang stubborn. Love you!
{ Manifesto: Fully Expressed, Safely Loved & Well F*cked! }
We’re better together, so come say “Hi” on the ‘Gram & TikTok @BriannaEndrina and If you’re feeling inspired, leave me a comment with your favorite quote from this article.