Bringing 'Smut' Into The Bedroom
Let your book boyfriend fuel your sex life.
{includes TL;DR & Index at the bottom}
My introduction to Smut was in my early teens and was an enemies to lovers trope between a vampire and a human. I was utterly confounded when my Grandma, of all people, casually left it on the nightstand in our guest room. Horny and intrigued, I devoured it up in two days. Thanks, Grams. You secret, spicy lady, you.
Fast forward to my 30s, where I am now a sex educator and intimacy mentor, diving head first into the world of Smut through the ingenious minds of Rebecca Yarros, Harper Hawthorne, Callie Hart and our lord and savior Sarah J. Maas, consuming these pieces of art through different eyes albeit still horny and still intrigued.
As I sat on the couch opposite my husband, reading ACOTAR, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas, I felt myself melting into the world of spicy fae romance where the MMC and FMC are intertwined in the painfully delicious tension of wanting each other in the most devious and carnal ways. There is really something to be said about men written by women, especially in roles of desire. I slip into the gorgeous detail of their bodies and how they satiate each aching for one another, using the kind of descriptive language that makes my body uncontrollably react. It’s so easy to become hungry for the experience being dangled in front of my eyes. It’s so tempting to want to fall into the world created on the pages and live there, in those moments. When she’s ravished by a man who consumes her like she’s the only nourishment for his craving. It’s toe curling, face reddening, body heating, leg clenching goodness that can drive you mad with desire. I’m ready to launch across the couch and let out this delicious fury onto my husband when I look over and he’s playing video games, blissfully unaware of the aching between my thighs. I feel this halt inside. A disappointment that he is not already staring at me like he isn’t sure if he wants to kill me or devour me. An irritation that he can’t viscerally sense my desire, and move accordingly. An underwhelming sensation, mixed with a deep yearning for him to crave me the way this morally grey character craves her.
I shake off the feeling with a laugh.
“Gods and fucking martyrs. Holy Fucking shit. That’s right. Come. Show me how pretty you are when you fall apart.’ - Quicksilver by Callie Hart”
This journey into Smut has been both satiating and thought-provoking, to say the least. To say the very least. As I engulf myself in these worlds of ink, I'm continuously left pondering the intricacies of fantasy vs. reality and how they interact within relationships. Why certain tropes consistently exist in the realm of Spicy Romantasy and what it means for the audience who devours it and even fiends for it. The comparison of a book boyfriend to a real life one. The desire for this fantasy that keeps us coming back for more, but removes our craving from the intimacy that lay next to us every night because — the growl just hits different coming from KingFisher, all the while grasping for it with every page we turn — I look over at my husband and the question lands in my mind. Can both coexist here…without conflict?
Sidebar: Let’s remember that these men are written by WOMEN.
Basically we all just really love women.
Your Book Boyfriend Could NEVER — But He Can Certainly Inspire.
Now I know it’s a little bit of heartbreak to let go of the fact that this fictional “Sex God” that you’re comparing your partner to will not be taking you to his bed where he’ll consume you with a dominance that makes you excited to submit, teasing you with his shadows before fucking you perfectly while he talks you through it with a type of lost language that has you reaching never ending pleasure and world shattering orgasms — ugh it’s so hot. But, there is nothing that says we can’t let this type of fictional situation inspire real life copulation. At the end of the day, the man written on paper cannot hold you, love you and fuck you the way the man beside you can.
Instead, let’s release the idea that our partner “doesn’t do it like Cassian”, or “could never like Xaden" — you ladies know exactly what I’m talking about — and look at these fictional characters and situations as cues into our desires and fantasies. Maybe it’s the desire to be “claimed” or wanted so intensely that turns you on, or the type of praiseful language or power-play that gets you hot and bothered. Maybe it’s the slow-burn and tension that leaves you wanting and craving, that really does it for you. And even if it is the thought of some inhuman “Shadow Daddy” ravaging you with his powers, marking you with ruins that tie your souls together for eternity, that has you rubbing one out before breakfast, it is possible to have an essence of that inside of your reality. It is possible to let these aspects of your fantasy coexist with real-life sex and pleasure.
So, Can Fantasy Coexist With Reality Without Conflict?
My short and sweet answer, is YES! It most certainly can. We just have to be willing to lean into it with curiosity and patience.
When it comes to allowing fantasy and reality to coexist harmoniously, it’s about creating a space where both can live side by side in a way that feels safe, non-threatening, adventurous, and pleasureful to the relationship. It’s a balance of what we crave and what we are capable of allowing while remaining mindful and present. We don’t want the fantasy to become so overpowering that we forget the reality of the situation; which includes our real partner, who has real feelings, with real desires and boundaries of their own.
Here are a few tips for navigating that balance:
Create A Safe Space For Fantasy: Start by acknowledging that your fantasies are a natural part of your desire for exploration and growth, not a reflection of dissatisfaction with your person. You might want to share with your partner that these fantasies are more about your internal exploration than about something being “wrong” in your dynamic. It’s about expanding, not replacing.
Frame The Fantasy As An Invitation For Discovery & Curiosity: You can approach your fantasies as a way to understand your desires more deeply. For example, you might share with your partner, “I’ve been really enjoying reading these intense, power-based dynamics, and I’m curious how we could bring some of that intensity into ours in a way that feels safe and sexy for both of us. Would you be game?” This type of invitation fosters conversation about your fantasies and opens up a safe space to lean into how you both might expand your boundaries together without taking it into an uncomfortable or threatening space.
Focus On What The Fantasy Represents: Rather than focusing on the specific actions or people involved in the fantasy, try discussing what elements of it you crave. For example, if the “shadow daddy” fantasy is about power dynamics and surrender, that could translate into your relationship in a way that’s about those elements (intensity, control, worship, power, surrender, etc.), rather than needing a third party. This can help your partner see that it’s not about looking outside the relationship — although there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if it is an agreed upon desire —but about enhancing what you two currently share.
Incorporate Playfulness And Humor: Fantasy and reality coexisting is meant to be lighthearted and sexy along side the depth and thrill. Use humor to make an oftentimes, uncomfortable, hard, scary and even heavy conversation feel a little less weighted and a lot more fun and enticing. You could playfully explore different fantasies with your partner, creating a space where you both feel comfortable discussing and exploring them without pressure. This can make it easier to move beyond the awkwardness and into something that feels exciting, engaging and desirable.
Set Boundaries For The Real And Imagined: You can create clear boundaries for what’s real and what’s fantasy. For example, maybe there are certain aspects of the fantasy (like the intensity, the control, or even the feeling of being “claimed”, “owned” or “worshipped”), that you can explore within the relationship, but other parts (like specific actions, names, or people), that stay firmly in the realm of the fantasy. Knowing where the line is creates a secure space for the real relationship to live within, while allowing the freedom for the fantasy to exist.
Gradual Exploration: Start with small, non-threatening and present ways to bring elements of the fantasy into your relationship. Maybe you read the spicy chapter of your book to your partner and have a conversation about it — or have him read it to you. Maybe it’s a dialogue where you both try on types of power dynamics (this can be both sexual and/or non-sexual), to see how it lands in your bodies and what it presents in the moment. Or maybe even a simple scenario, where you both play the roles of what the other fantasizes about — with curiosity and patience. Small steps can allow you both to test the waters and see how it feels without diving straight into something that could be overwhelming or undesirable.
Please be advised the material in this article is to be consumed as entertainment, inspiration and education by consenting people. Consent is an agreement between willing participants to engage in any physical or non-physical activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. This information may not pertain to every relationship dynamic. Discretion is advised.
…And For The Cherry On Top!
Here’s How The Familiarity, Security And Safety Of Your Person Might Actually Benefit Your Desires And Fuel Your Fantasies.
Over time, the familiarity in a relationship can sometimes create a feeling of predictability or comfort, which is great in the case of exploring erotic fantasies. This understanding of each other affords you both the ability to lean into unfamiliar and even untamed forms of sexual expression. It’s the knowing look, the intimate touch, the way he can seemingly read your cues or respond to a sound. It’s the built in friendship that makes this type of carnal play fun and silly, where pressure to perform or be less of yourself can fuck right off.
The autonomy of a relationship is only as strong as the security of it. When we know that our partner is committed to us, loves us and has our back, we feel more free to trust ourselves inside of fantasy-play. We can optimistically give over to our desires with the confidence that we will be accepted and held in reverence. The freedom to live in these desires without fear of judgment or abandonment can actually bring the fantasy to life in a way that feels fulfilling and honest. We can comfortably maneuver according to our own agency, within our mutual experience, because we feel secure within our relationship.
Fantasies often involve surrendering in some way—whether it's giving up control or allowing yourself to be vulnerable. The familiarity and security of a long-term partner can provide the emotional foundation that allows you to let go and surrender fully to the experience, knowing that you're held, loved, and respected in that vulnerability. This emotional foundation can only be created through safety. In order to feel, to explore, to come undone, to show up messy and raw, to ask for what you want and need, to give over to your desires and your ecstasy, is a direct reflection of how protected you feel. When we feel safe, we feel free. Freedom is the lifeline for fantasy.
TL;DR
My grandma gave me my first smut book — she actually accidentally left it on the side table and I was a horny teenager and stole it.
Read more SMUT, it’s good for the soul. I recommend starting with ACOTAR. Google it. You’re welcome.
KINGFISHER. that’s all.
It’s ok to fantasize about fictional sex lords, but remember to see these fantasies for what they are (desires and cues into your own sexual pleasure and cravings) and try not to measure your partner up to a standard designed for fantasy and discovery. It will be hard, but you can do hard things.
There is a whole part about how to navigate balancing and incorporating fantasy and reality without conflict — you should just go and read this one in full.
The safety, security and familiarity of your person is actually beneficial when bringing aspects of fantasy into reality. I promise it isn’t too good to be true. Trust me — at your own discretion.
Index:
SMUT: “smut” is commonly used to refer to explicitly sexual or heavily sexually suggestive content in various forms of media, including books, films, and online content. It typically implies content that is considered adult or mature in content, offensive to some (often the very people who use smut as a derogatory term). For all my etymology nerds out there. Here's a fun article about the origins of the word "smut"
ROMANTASY: is typically fictional fantasy media where the plot is primarily focused around the romance between the characters.
TROPES: a trope is a plot structure, theme, storyline, character trait, motif, or plot device that is commonly used in storytelling. Common Romantasy tropes: Enemies to lovers, Forced Proximity, Forbidden Love, Love Triangle, Friends to Lovers etc.
BOOK BOYFRIEND: A fictional main character you typically fall for, “forgetting” that he is, in fact, not real.
FMC/MMC: Female Main Character, Male Main Character — very non-inclusive, I know.
SHADOW DADDY: A morally grey character, typically the MMC or protagonist, that can sometimes summon shadows and will bend for no one and nothing but the woman they love and usually can f.u.c.k. the tits off of you. Watch this for an accurate description of "Shadow Daddy"
Examples of Shadow Daddies — mentioned in this substack — Xaden (Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros), Cassian (ACOTAR by Sarah J. Maas), KingFisher (Quicksilver by Callie Hart)
Please be advised the material in this article is to be consumed as entertainment, inspiration and education by consenting people. Consent is an agreement between willing participants to engage in any physical or non-physical activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. This information may not pertain to every relationship dynamic. Discretion is advised.
{ Manifesto: Fully Expressed, Safely Loved & Well F*cked! }
We’re better together, so come say “Hi” on the ‘Gram & TikTok @BriannaEndrina and If you’re feeling inspired, leave me a comment with your favorite current piece of Smut! I’d love to add it to my TBR list!